i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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