Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
