And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
