there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
