The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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