I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
