Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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