Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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