I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize