There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
