Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize