He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Who died my cat blue again?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
