i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
