bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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