dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
