Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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