i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
