I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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