i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
