why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
