At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
