My room smells like vodka and shame
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
