He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
