my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So apparently I’m into choking now
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
