i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
