i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
