I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
