I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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