We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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