I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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