So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
