sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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