Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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