grandma shit on top of the toilet
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
