Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
