Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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