dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
