WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
