I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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