Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
