Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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