he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
