I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
