somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
