I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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