she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
