I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
