Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
