You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
