Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
