you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
