I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
