Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
