the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
