I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
