Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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