Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
