just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
