So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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