I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
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