Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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