RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
