i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
